Having Respectful Sex with Trans Women – Here’s How It’s Done

Respectful sex. It’s the kind of sex that everyone should have. Having sex with transgender people is no different than sex with cis people. Every sexual encounter must have the elements of mutual respect. What makes sex with trans women unique is that, in order to be reverent, a man must first understand trans people, and trans women specifically.

Gender Identity

Growing up, you were probably surrounded by cisgender people – people who were assigned a birth sex – male or female. The females in your experience – your mother and other female relatives, your classmates all identified as the gender they were given at birth – male or female. Now some may be gay, lesbian, bisexual, asexual, aromantic, pansexual, or a host of other sexual orientations, but they retain their gender identity as male or female.

Trans people are assigned a sex at birth but ultimately reject that sex in favor of the opposite one. Thus, a trans woman is born into a male body but identifies as female.

If you want to know “How do I have respectful sex with trans women,” your first step is to learn all you can about trans folks, and trans women specifically.

How much to you know about transgender people? If it’s not much, then you have some education ahead of you before you think about sex with a trans woman.

So, let’s begin your education.

What You Need to Know About a Trans Partner

Gender Identity and Sexual Orientation

Like any cis person, a transgender person can have any sexual orientation. A trans woman can be lesbian, bisexual, pansexual, sexually fluid, exploring, and sit anywhere on the non-binary spectrum with diverse sexual preferences. Trans bodies do not determine sexual orientation. And speaking of bodies.

Transition

Every transgender person thinks about it. Their body parts just don’t “fit” who they are. A trans woman has a penis, testicles, hair on their chests and face, and can develop gender dysphoria as a result – a feeling of discomfort and distress over this disparity. They just don’t have the “equipment” for everyday feminism.

And so transgender people, including every trans female, have choices here.

• A trans person can stay just as they are, and some choose that option, stay in trans-inclusive communities, and find comfort and safety there.
• A trans person may choose hormone treatment. Thus, trans females can lose facial and chest hair and perhaps develop small breasts. They will “look” feminine in public spaces.
• Trans people can choose surgery, usually several, that will physically change their genitals and become physically female. This allows them to engage in a sex act as a full female. Surgery is invasive and comes with any of the risks that all surgery comes with. Yet, it is the choice of many who can afford it.

Challenges and Issues Trans People Face

It’s tough for cis people to fully understand what trans people go through as they navigate their lives in a society that does not make them feel safe and comfortable. While they cannot put themselves in the shoes of transgender males and females, they must at least be aware of the challenges and issues they themselves will never face.

Social Issues

There is a strong element of transphobia, and all of the conspiracy theories that come with that – transgender people are mentally ill; they are sexual deviants; they molest children; they are promiscuous and spread STDs; they are dangerous and can become violent.

How the trans community responds is to stay within their own communities to feel comfortable, to remain closeted, and to mistrust “outsiders” who could be mentally and physically assaultive.

Safety and Healthcare Issues

Trans people are victims of violence at higher levels than others in the LGBTQ+ community. If this has not happened to them, they have heard the stories and seen the results.

Safety also translates to sexual health. Trans people are denied health insurance claims and physicians will not treat them.

Political and Legal Issues

At the state and local levels, trans men and women face discrimination because they are not protected by anti-discrimination laws that exist at the federal level. They can be denied housing and employment for religious reasons on the part of landlords and employers; there are laws restricting bathroom use and participation in sports; and in many states, they are not allowed to change legal documents that reflect their name and gender changes.

All of these things are baggage that a trans female brings into a relationship and that most people cannot relate to. If you intend to have a well-mannered relationship with a trans female, you need to be mindful of this baggage and understand that they may have boundaries, some feelings of distrust, and will need dating relationships to proceed on their own time and in their own way. It’s a mental health thing.

Seeking and Gaining Consent

This is the first step in reverent dating and sexual acts. Too often, trans females feel pressured to engage in acts they are not yet comfortable with just to “stay in the game” and be accepted and receive affection. If this is the case, you and your sexual partner on not on the same page at all.

Consent must be freely given when both parties are sober, awake, and fully conscious. And throughout any sexual activity, that consent may be taken away. Some pre-sex conversation is definitely in order and should perhaps include a safe word if things become uncomfortable. And open communication should be the rule of the day during any sexual intimacy.

During Sexual Intimacy

This includes foreplay, the act, and the “afterglow.” Don’t assume anything. Being polite means you do the following for great sex, mutual pleasure, and to ensure that both of you are enjoying sex:

• Ask how she names her body parts
• Ask her what things give her pleasure – what turns her on, what feels good, what you can do to make sex better for her.
• Ask her what turns her off or makes her uncomfortable or feel unsafe – this conversation should occur before any intimacy
• Are there places she does not want you to touch?

The pre-sex conversation should include what you enjoy too. Ask her if she is comfortable with that – if not, you will obviously not do that.

And don’t forget to make sure that both of you have set your boundaries in advance. This will avoid any misunderstandings during sex.

After sex, be certain to ask if it brought her pleasure and what might feel good and to help experience pleasure next time.

What to Avoid Saying or Doing

Showing respect means avoiding certain things too:

• Do not become angry or upset if your request for sex is turned down. And above all, don’t take it personally. There may be plenty of reasons why it is not a good time, and it is not a rejection of you.
• Don’t pressure her to have sex or do anything she does not want to do or makes her feel uncomfortable in any way.
• Don’t ever fail to use protection if you have agreed upon it in advance.
• Do not pressure her to dress in a specific way to satisfy your fantasies or sexy sexual act you saw on some pornography you want to copy.
• Do not engage in oral sex without full consent.
• Walking out as soon as the sex is over.

Watch Your Language

There is language that is completely disrespectful to any trans female. You may not be aware, but you need to be. If you use these terms, your first date is liable to be your last.

• Tranny: This is derogatory term used by transphobic people who have disdain and lack of respect for the trans community.
• Transgenderism: This term tries to identify the condition of being transgender as some kind of an abnormal thing. It is often used by those who continue to believe that being transgender is a physical or mental illness.
• Transgender Lifestyle: This is the idea that all trans people have similar lives, and, of course, nothing could be further than the truth. That is like saying all straight people have the same existent.
• Passing or Stealth: These two terms are used within trans-inclusive communities to speak to their needs to “pass” as their birth identity or to have their trans existence in secret in specific places (on the job, at family gatherings, etc.). But if those outside these communities use the terms, they are considered to be insults and will result in bad feelings.

Respectful Dating 101 – It’s a Universal Thing

Think about the other women you have dated in your life – as a teen forward but especially as an adult.

From your first date on, respect is an absolute must if you and a partner are to progress together in a relationship. Why would dating a trans female be any different?

So, let’s talk about what any woman deserves from you, no matter what her gender identity or sexual orientation.

What will you talk about on your first meetup? Will you be asking about how to make them feel good during sex? Of course not. Would you speak to their body traits? Of course not. Bodies are not a topic – ever.

The initial date is for light, casual interactions – talking about music, movies, books, and fun hobbies or interests you each have. How refreshing this would be for a trans female who is a bit distrustful and unsure anyway. Engaging someone you are just meeting in these and other fun interactions breaks the ice and allows you both to honestly give info about yourselves, without getting into deep stuff. A trans female gets the idea that you are more than simply a sex object, or someone looking to satisfy a curiosity or put another “notch” in your belt.

Sometimes, an initial interaction has occurred online, and two people have come to know a lot about each other from that time spent together. In that case, the interactions will take a more serious tone and not feel weird. Topics such as values and goals will And sex may come up.

Discussing Boundaries

If sex becomes a topic of discussion, each partner must speak honestly and openly. It’s a good time to talk about bounds that each partner has – those rules, limits, and deal breakers for a relationship. And if one partner is not comfortable with the boundary of the other partner, they can make their desires known.

When desires and discussions about bodies leave any question, it is the responsibility of both to ask questions. Engaging in such discussions sets the tone for the connections and potential partnership that may come.

But don’t forget the fun either. You can have breaks from serious discussions for some relief, because humor strengthens intimacy too.

Let’s Talk Bodies and Sexual Health

Each person’s body is a personal and private domain. They have complete control over it when they decide to date, and they have the right to agree or oppose specific sexual behaviors. “My body, my choice” is absolutely correct.

It’s also important to note that what may be a body “no” in the beginning may change as partners become closer. In other words, body autonomy is fluid.

Sexual health is all about using protection and, if you and your partner are okay with seeing others, getting tested frequently and sharing the results with each other.

In the End – Honesty, Responsibility, and Confidence

Trans females appreciate honesty in dating and they in turn will respond with honesty. Responsibility means that any man who dates such a female takes responsibility for his behavior and honors the pace at which his partner wants to go regarding sex – no pressure.

Honesty: It’s critical. When you are honest about your needs, your autonomy over your body, and encourage your trans female partner to do the same, you both win. It make take some time and patience to achieve the trust that makes that honesty come forth, it will be worth it.

Responsibility means that you state your boundaries and ask your partner for hers. When you are open and ready to speak to boundaries, your partner will speak to hers too. If she is hesitant, gently approach the topic until she is ready to communicate them.

Confidence can sometimes be lacking in a trans female because she brings a lot of baggage that you may not fully relate to, and that impacts her levels of trust. You may express your needs and wants succinctly, but she may hesitate. Honor that hesitation and let her move at her own pace.

But you can ask some non-threatening questions – what do you do in your spare time? What kind of relationship are you looking for? What’s most important to you? How do you define cheating? What is the most important trait you want to see in someone you are dating?

A Word About Social Media: Every person uses social media in some fashion. It will be important to have a conversation about what social media platforms each of you use and what each of you may or may not feel comfortable about the exposure of you on those platforms. For example, if you prefer not to be named or exposed by your partner, you need to say so. If your partner has pics of your body, and you do not want them to appear anywhere, then you must say so. In short, what you expect of the other person as they use social media must be made clear. Be certain that you ask your female partner what her boundaries are in this realm. The wishes of any person should prevail. Another example may be naming your partner without her consent – a big no-no. Ask her to be honest about her expectations and honor them completely.

If you’ve really studied this article, you are ready to have sex with trans women that will be successful. Go forth and grab your success.